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SEIFFE:  Found In A Dumpster Behind The Courthouse 

Monday, April 14, 2008

By Ralf Seiffe

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Dear Alderman REDACTED: 

This follows up on our conversation in the men’s room at the Hibernian Democrat Outfit (HDO) last weekend. I would like to hire your law firm as counsel for the initiative outlined below. I have attached a retainer/campaign contribution, so I presume this letter falls under the attorney client privilege. 

As we discussed, my firm believes there is great development potential in the parcel bounded by LaSalle on the west, Clark on the east, Randolph on the north and Washington on the south. For reasons explained below, we believe that typical negations to acquire the property with the current occupant--at nearly any price--will be unsuccessful. For that reason, we will need your legal and political assistance. 

By way of background, the parcel has an old and not particularly attractive structure in place.  Our plan would be to demolish and replace it with a brand new, state of the art mixed use structure.  The building will consist of retail, commercial and 450 residential condominiums with an average selling price of approximately $875,000 each.  We believe that this is an evidently higher and better use for the parcel than the existing structure. 

The current occupants are primarily a family business that’s been on-site since the 1950’s.  They have been in control continuously except for a short period when the family leased out the premises to others who were not particularly successful.  Since the late eighties, a family member has been operating the business and they have become well established at this location.  They claim that they could not be successful at any other site and that any move would inconvenience them and their clients.  That may only be a negotiating point but my personal take is that they would probably fail elsewhere or in any other line. 

Complicating the situation is the fact that the occupants actually have two businesses located on the site, each operated by a son of the business’ late founder.  They are actively promoting them and, unfortunately, their revenues are rising much faster than the city or the county’s economic activity, generally.  Accordingly, they probably have a good argument that the businesses are viable. 

Since we’ve been unsuccessful in acquiring the property, it will take action by the city to condemn and seize the parcel.  This will be much easier to accomplish in light of the Kelo Decision as the current structure is so under-assessed that it actually pays no real estate taxes at all!  Our proposal would correct this loss to the city and county by providing infinitely more in annual revenues.  This alone is reason enough to dispossess the current occupants. 

Despite the viability of the businesses the brothers run, it occurs that in addition to the Kelo strategy, we could make a credible case that the property has the elements of blight.  I understand the city already has a fairly elastic definition of blight and that little effort would be required to categorize this site as blighted. 

For example, the structure is old and unattractive, given its location in the ever-growing and ever-freshening Loop.  The building looks like a Greek Temple and, at 100 years old, it no longer meets contemporary appearance standards.  Replacement is warranted. 

Moreover, I understand that it takes an incredible crew to maintain the building.  Apparently, the place is so difficult to service that the owners must pay extraordinary salaries—compared to other landlords--to keep the work force dependable.  Despite all this effort, we also understand that the building has become so dysfunctional that no activity occurs above the fifth floor.  If our informants are correct, the fifth floor may be the only one that actually functions. 

Also, the occupants are scofflaws when it comes to illegal parking.  Occasionally, the occupants allow dirty dump trucks to park on the street, overnight, sitting with drivers reading the paper, engines clattering, as if they were there to do some work.  The only thing they’re accomplishing is warming the globe and that particularly offends the neighbors. 

In addition to that, the community is rife with speculation that the building serves as a “cover” for some sort of serious criminal activity.  I note that several of the business’ employees have found themselves in deep legal trouble over the last several years.  To be fair however, the owners have repeatedly said that they know nothing about these activities, at any time or in any place.  Unfortunately, we have picked up some sympathy in the community because several of these unfortunates are life-long, close friends of the owners. 

Suspicion of what’s really going on in the building may explain why there are so many police officers hanging around and maybe some feds.  Whatever the reason, this extraordinary police activity is a burden the community should not be forced to bear.  In this regard, the property is no different than a rowdy saloon and we should let the community know it’s a good reason for revoking the building’s certificate of occupancy. 

I am sure that there are plenty of other reasons to find the property blighted and combined with the Kelo decision, I am certain of our ultimate success.  Nevertheless, I realize the current occupants will put up a fight and that they have prevailed in earlier--and, as I understand, quite regular--attempts to kick them out.  So, let me assure you that there is plenty in our budget to see this project through to its end.  We look forward to your experience and “strategic thinking” to help us in our mission to improve Chicago. 

Should you become aware of any colleagues who deserve a campaign contribution, for the good of Chicago, please let me know.  As always, there will be a contingent fee above and beyond your hourly rate. 

Time is of the essence because our investment bankers have discovered a foreign interest which is likely to propose buying the property and executing a 99 year leaseback.  Let’s get started! 

Sincerely Yours, 

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Ralf Seiffe advises business start-ups and product launches from Chicago, Illinois and is a political analyst and columnist for the Illinois Leader and Illinois Review.

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