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SEIFFE:  Eavesdropping on FISA

Wednesday, January 23, 2006

By Ralf Seiffe

The left believes they may finally have the tool to overturn the 2000 election with the eavesdropping scandal at the NSA.  But, what if these folks were in charge and they made sure to observe their expansive view of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act?  One can imagine the scene when a Homeland Security agent showing up in the parlor of a pajama-clad federal judge seeking a warrant to listen in on an al Q’aida operative’s cell phone.   

The following is the transcript obtained by using CTU listening devices monitoring the vibrations of the windows of the judge’s house:  

Judge Prudent (A Republican Nominee):  Good evening Special Agent, I understand you need a wiretap warrant?

Special Agent:  Yes sir; but we prefer to call them “Code Yellow Assessments” or a “CYA”. It is a much less incendiary term.

JP:  You still listen in, don’t you---isn’t that why you are here?

SA:  As I mentioned on the phone, your honor, my agency needs a CYA to listen in on a telephone call between a suspected al Q’aida mastermind and one of his contacts in the United States .

JP:   This has already happened?  You have already intercepted this call?

SA:   Yes sir. 

JP:    How did you become aware of this contact?

SA:   A sweep of the electronic traffic coming out of Afghanistan .  The NSA connected the outgoing call from a cellular tower in the mountains near the Pakistan border to a tower in Arlington , Virginia .

JP:   Who was involved?

SA:  We don’t know, we haven’t identified the parties yet.

JP:   Why the (expletive deleted) not? 

SA:   No CYA.

JP:   Unbelievable.  Why do you think you even need a warrant?

SA:   It’s a CYA, your honor.

JP:   (Unintelligible) let me get this straight---this is a radio transmission between an al Q’aida commander and one of his soldiers in the United States ?

SA:   That’s what we believe.

JP:     And you still think you need a warrant?

SA:   We believe we need a CYA because the person at this end might be subject to indictment at some time in the future.

JP:  I don’t think you need any further authority.  Indeed, you should be at your office figuring out if this is an actionable threat you should be chasing down!

SA:   With all due respect, your honor, my superiors are interested in a CYA.   

JP:    Let me explain it to you Special Agent.  This is like the battle of the North Atlantic in the Second World War.  The bad guys had submarines and we listened for their radio signals.  The point was to intercept them and stop those submarines before they could use their torpedoes.  In this case, the sleeper agents in this country are just like the submarines---hidden enemy combatants we want to stop them before they launch their attack.

SA:   I take your point sir, but continuing with your analogy, consider what would happen to a submariner whose boat was destroyed because we intercepted radio traffic.  If he were to wash up on our shores, his lawyer would bring up the exclusionary rule on any evidence we got.

JP:  (Unintelligible) lunatic!  The job is not to charge them, after the fact, with a crime; it’s to stop them from attacking us!  And, by the way, Germans were sent to our shores by submarine; J. Edgar Hoover and FDR sent them directly to the electric chair!

SA: I understand that sir, but that was before CYA’s.

JP:  I’ll grant the warrant because this “CYA” thing appears to be the only way your agency will take the action expected of you.  As a condition, I’ll hold a hearing with you and your superiors at the FISA court at 10:00 tomorrow morning to find out what you are doing with this message.  Is that clear?

SA:  Yes sir, I’ll tell.... (At this point a loud explosion is heard on the tape which shattered the glass at the judge’s home, ending surveillance.  It was later determined that the terrorist bombing of the Hart Senate Office Building was the source of the explosion.  Small pieces of what had once been a cellular telephone, acting like shrapnel, broke the judge’s windows.  Not enough of the cell phone was recovered to identify its owners and no trace of the contact in Alexandria was ever found.  By the time the government got its CYA, the case became moot. )  

© 2006 Ralf Seiffe

Ralf Seiffe advises business start-ups and product launches from Chicago, Illinois and is a political analyst and columnist for the Illinois Leader and Illinois Review.