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SEIFFE:  The Dukes Of Chicago

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

By Ralf Seiffe

Yesterday’s holiday was our annual occasion to remember why and how our ancestors became our founders.  Elementary schools used to teach these lessons but no longer; it’s up to us to  make sure our children understand what compelled these principled men to take up arms against their sovereign and why  they acted properly.  One memorable event leading to the Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.  It’s an attractive lesson and one that should be taught often because it tells us that taxes are a major reason to resist government.  But there is another lesson that is just as important; it is the notion that all men are created equal and that birth should not confer advantage as the hereditary system did in 18th Century England .  Looking at the Chicago-Cook County political protectorate, however, one wonders if we’ve living under the same conditions that existed in 1776.  

During the reign of George III, peers were entitled to their positions by birth, not achievement.  One’s parents determined social rank, and that accident served as an immutable predictor of a person’s place in the ruling class.  This complex system produced nobles who, among other things, assumed governorships of the colonies and they proved distant and unresponsive to the colonists’ needs.   Re-reading the Declaration of Independence reminds us of how that system’s built-in arrogance became the fountainhead of revolution.  

In Cook County we suffer most of the same conditions that once--and still-- justified the colonists’ revolution.  Taxes are much higher than they were when patriots dumped tea into Boston Harbor and are growing.  In addition, we also have a hereditary political system that is just as arrogant as King George’s ministers once were and one that is ripe for the modern equivalent of revolution. 

Here, described in terms that might be suitable for a domestic version of  Burke’s Peerage, (pun very much intended), it’s fairly easy to see the parallels between the Georgian system and the one that exists here. 

Starting at the top of our local manor, we have the Prince of Wails serving as Lord Mayor for life.  The son of the revered Richard I, Richard II, is the present occupant of LaSalle Castle and is a tragedy in the making.  His history will be chronicled by a court tribune or the Tribune in court, eventually. 

Other evidence of the hereditary system comes from nearby Clark Castle where the stricken Grand Duke wants his son to succeed him.  Despite the usual certainty of succession, smart courtesans are betting that Count John, the Lord Mayor’s brother, will become the Imperial Protector until Duke Todd reaches his political majority.  Count John already serves as the Grand Vizier of the County of Cook and it’s said that the Count demonstrates extraordinary skill as a puppeteer. 

This ancient system extends beyond Clark and LaSalle Castles ; the vassal city of Springfield is controlled by the Prince of Wails and his retinue.  From the Prince’s Privy Council, a champion, the son-in-law of a powerful earl, was sent to become the Laird of Springfield Castle.  Sadly, the Laird dishonors his appointment by his absence from Springfield Castle and he seems so insufficiently respectful of his sponsors’ land use policies that a schism has developed.    

When a political system is based on bloodlines, it is important to forge sanguine connections with other sovereignties so as to reduce the chance for war.  A good example of how to accomplish this is provided by Commodore Jerry of the Ice who serves in Clark Castle .  He’s managed to get his daughter a responsible title in LaSalle Castle where she helps the serfs deal with the burden of building curbs and holding temporary festivals.  

Another of the Prince’s retainers, Michael Viscount Madigan, serves as the master of Parliament and of the parliamentary and he’s installed his daughter as Sheriff of the Illinois Forest and Protector of the Faith.  Countess Lisa is responsible for rooting out heresies in the Clout but recently abandoned a promising investigation of the alleged sale of indulgences.  

Any castle needs lots of help to make sure everything runs smoothly and the same is true of LaSalle and Clark Castles .  For example, extra moat-keepers must work on Sunday nights to assure the King’s return from the countryside will not be unduly delayed.  Long ago, feudal lords created a system by which they extracted agricultural products from the serfs for the right to work on the Prince’s estate.  Back then, the serfs would drive their carts to the castle to deliver their payments but that system has been updated to a much simpler method.  Now, the serfs simply park their carts and make them ready in case any work might come along.

And then there are the Crusades, a miasma that, unfortunately, cannot be ignored.  These are permanent wars fought far away to manage the predations of infidel Republicans who have become powerful by gaining control and liberally using the exchequer.  But these Republicans are heretics because they have taken the council of a Senator who was probably chosen last for Cricket but had enough juice to the and  sent a new soldier to battle and subvert the Clout.  Count Rostenkowski, also the Duke of Oxford, and Count Lipinski, long missing as a servant in another sovereignty, served or serve in these thankless wars.  Both are the sons of brave soldiers from LaSalle Castle .  

Finally, there’s always the problem of crazy cousins.  In any family, there are always those who are just a few risers short of a full turret but caring families bear the burden.  Count Eddie is the family embarrassment; he can be found spending his time chasing the castle’s goose and throwing french fries at the poor creature.  Visitors to the castle find this behavior inexplicable but the local nobles ignore it; they know that Count Eddie is the bailiff’s son and that entitles him to keep the keys to the castle’s treasury.   

©2006 Ralf Seiffe

Ralf Seiffe advises business start-ups and product launches from Chicago, Illinois and is a political analyst and columnist for the Illinois Leader and Illinois Review.